An inconclusive list of things that give your Pleasure Advisor pleasure
Hi besties, Anthea here.
I thought it would be good to share with you some of my pleasures, so you don’t feel shy about sharing with me what gives you pleasure. I am a professional enjoy-er of things. These are in no particular order; I hope you enjoy peering a little into my yum.
G R O W N men
I love polite men with charming African manners that make it clear that:
They have a strong rural background; and
They are not the youngest child.
Bonus points for being kind, service-oriented and also working in governance/ public service. YUM. My taste in men is the energy of Machinda by Amadhuve Sasha x Rust by Yussef Dayes feat. Tom Misch. (Sirs, send your applications to be my latest)
2. Slow mornings
I’m an “early to bed, early to rise” girlie. I love waking up slowly with the sun, cup of tea in hand (black, two teabags in the morning, with milk. Hold the sugar.). Top it off with some reading and some tunes…morning glory. At the moment, jazz has me in a chokehold. I am especially enamoured with the instrumental kind, percussion and guitar to the front! I’m currently obsessed with Nubya Garcia. Check her out!
3. Proprioceptive sensory input
It's delicious and helps me feel so calm and grounded (and powerful!). There's almost always going to be a little something in my outfit addressing this deep, sensual need (yes, even at home). Some personal fave sources: corsets, body con dresses in thick cotton, loose linen, waist belts, stockings and knee highs.
I feel most at ease when I feel like I am dressing in a way that my inner energy flows easily. For me, that means I need the unseen eroticism on high always, as erotic energy is a big part of my internal energy mix. I am also committed to dressing modestly as part of my faith walk (think bald head, layers, knees that are spotted once in a blue moon). Adornment is one of the means through which I exist powerfully and truthfully in the (seeming) contradictions. Do I sometimes listen to Jolene by Dolly Parton as I fit my corset? Yes, I live for the drama.
4. “Boring” bra-knickers sets
My go-to is a black seamless, underwire-free bra and thong (boxers when menstruating) combo - UNMATCHED. I finally gave myself permission to abandon lace, patterns, designs, and underwire a few years ago, and I feel so HOT and free. Knickers have always been a weirdly dysphoric place for me, for all my love of being femme, underwear seemed overly encoded with particular sexual and gender performance expectations and expectations about my sexual roles (I'm a vers domina, thanks for asking) that felt restrictive and narrow and incorrect against my body.
I experience a lot of what I call cultural dysphoria, which is the dysphoria caused by the disjuncture between an increasingly globalised structure of patriarchal femininities that tries to create and enforce a universal woman standard in accordance with white supremacist patriarchal norms, eclipsing other cultural and racial realities, our spiritual realities and our innermost feelings. Online spaces and pop culture are full of such standards (including the preferred modes of black girl hotness), which are leeching into our romantic, sexual, and beauty expectations, scripts and behaviours.
Circling back to my plain black knickers uniform - taking myself off the conveyor belt of correct global sexual femininities and expected performance in this small way has been so important in being able to reside in my own erotic. I feel more aligned with the positive cultural ideas about beauty held by my people, which do not require (but do allow for) a performance of aesthetic weakness and delicacy, which is great because that’s not my vibe. In the knowledge that I am reflecting generations of inherited hotness of my people, I now wear underwear that makes me feel good, and is a proper representation and conduit of my erotic energy.
5. Theorising about sexuality and gender, from an African feminist, Christian standpoint.
One of my current favourite sites of pondering is my modelling of how different kinds of patriarchy can be split into two groups - on the one hand, we have systems of patriarchy premised on the idea of women’s incompetence, and on the other, we have systems premised on the idea of women’s competence. Realising that I come from a cultural context where the latter is in operation has been so helpful in understanding why I have tended to read so much feminist literature from the global North analogously. Yes, I think about the difference between competence and incompetence models of patriarchy all the time. Some would say obsessively, and often in the terrain of the body, attraction, gender, sexual expression and expectations, and adornment. More on this another time.
I also L O V E thinking about different cultural and religious modes of marriage and organising romance, sexuality and reproductive labour. A form of Shona marriage I continuously return to in my thought experiments or when I’m in peak lover-girl, crushing-on-someone-energy, is the now extinct practice of kuganhira. Which was essentially a woman deciding that she was married to a man now. She would pack her bags and sit outside his house, where, in accordance with Shona religion, he would take her on as his wife, potentially amongst many. The belief in the Shona religion was that wives are a blessing from god (fun fact, the Shona religion is monotheistic), through the ancestors, and a blessing that could not be refused.
Occasionally, I have to stamp out the inclination to follow in the footsteps of my forebears, because some of these men that God has created? Amen. I would follow them to their houses and their people. LOL.
6. Masturbation
You know I had to do it; this is, after all, a sex, sexuality and sensuality business. Also, what can I say, I love a slick p*ssy. What is a clitoris if not a wondrous reset button God embedded in my body? A personal stress-be-gone button. I am my first and primary sexual partner, and I know what I like. 10/10, can’t make me stop, I love a wank.
That’s all for the introductions, folks, but I’d love to get to know you. Let’s work together: hello@welcomevirtu.com
Love you, mean it!
Anthea xx